Just look at this and try not to be amazed.

             January 16th – January 22nd

Friday: Philly Cheese Steak and Mac n’ Cheese

Saturday: BBQ Ribs w/ scalloped potatoes and green beans

Sunday: Penni a la Vodka w/ garlic bread

Monday: Kielbasa w/ egg noodles and baked beans

Tuesday: Chicken Parmesan w/ rice and corn

Wednesday: Spaghetti and Meat Sauce

Thursday: Chicken and Gravy w/ green beans and rice

Perhaps the most menacing food I have ever encountered was the Luther Burger.  Popularized by the late Luther Van Dross (God bless his soul), the Luther consists of a pan-fried beef patty covered in cheese, 4+ strips off bacon and delicately placed in between two Krispy Kreme donuts.

In March of last year, me and two of my comrads decided to take on the daunting task.  We collected all the main essentials at a local strip mall and proceeded to one of my friend’s house to begin the construction of the Luther.

Together, it took almost 45 minutes to prepare the feast.  Each had a Luther to his own, and we all designed it for preference.  Mike decided to stay with the classic, and nothing but the essentials.  Matty turned his into a candy burger, adding chocolate syrup, maple syrup, whip cream and powdered sugar.  I invested in spices, adding hot sauce and jalapenos to the masterpiece.

Then, the consumption began.  We all took our time.  The pound of beef on each burger was hard to muster, but we all made it through.  Matty finished a clear 10 minutes before me, and Mike finished right after I finished mine.  Right after I finished, I ate a banana, and to this day I still have no idea why.

We all made it to the living room before we all passed out watching CB4.  Although we all felt terrible for some time, we had completed an unparalleled mission.

(If you were wondering, Mikey’s is on the left, mine is in the middle, and Matty’s is on the right.)

January 9th - January 15th

Friday: Macaroni and Cheese

Saturday: Grilled Cheese and Chicken Noodle Soup

Sunday: Bye (League Meet)

Monday: Kielbasa w/ baked beans and egg noodles

Tuesday: Pork Chops w/ white rice, corn and applesauce

Wednesday: Spaghetti and Meat Sauce

Thursday: Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

 The pork chop is an interesting piece of meat.  Sliced perpendicular to the spine of the pig, it looks beautiful breaded with its sidekicks on my plate.  Together, a meal most families would enjoy.  But in my house, this meal comes with a terrifying price.

Since I was younger, I have always been served applesauce with my pork chop.  It seemed appropriate, seeing as it increased the flavor and enhanced every aspect of the meat.  But soon enough, a curious mind goes to far, and experimentation takes place. 

Alongside the rice and corn, I combined the four crucial elements in order to make a complete mess.  Certainly enough, mother did not approve, but I decided I was going to eat it anyway.  And to my surprise, it was absolutely delightful.  Every square inch of my plate was absolutely devoured and no sign of the so-called “catastrophe” remained on my plate.  The corn and rice slid right down my throat alongside the tiny bits of pork chop that had to be cut up prior to the physical altering.  The applesauce drenched every in of the feast, and since that first experiment, I have never sat through pork chops, rice and corn without combining the three with applesauce and making a mess.

Monday: Kielbasa w/ baked beans and egg noodles

Tuesday: Chicken Parmesan w/ Rice and Corn

Wednesday: Spaghetti and Meat Sauce

Thursday: Beef Stew and Egg Noodles

With unusual time restraiants implemented this week, my seven-meal arrangement has been momentarily switched to four.  I suspect that as the days drag on, I will return to my usual seven-dinner menu as soon as time permits.

But, for now, I’ll indulge in the more important issue at hand.  The spaghetti and meat sauce (a variation of the classic spaghetti in meatballs) my mother assembles almost religiously on Wednesday nights is better than any lamb and tuna fish you’ve ever eaten.  The moment you begin swirl the pasta around your fork, you can immediately tell that this is a meal that will make you soon go back for seconds.  A traditional Prego sauce meets a classic spaghettinoodle that makes the taste buds go crazy as you squish the noodles throughout the oral cavity.  In my honest opinion, the Olive Garden is put to shame in light of my mother’s dish.  I give it the highest recommendation possibly available, 5 out of 5 forks (that is, if you could use five forks at once, you’d implement that talent as you devoured this meal). 

In an unrelated story, click here to watch Scarlet take a tumble.

Monday: Kielbasa w/ baked beans and egg noodles

Tuesday: Meatloaf w/ mac n’ cheese and green beans

Wednesday: Spaghetti and Meat Sauce w/ garlic bread

Thursday: Roast Beef w/ mashed potatoes and corn

Friday: Placed on Disable List (missing teeth)

Saturday: DL (Substitute: Box of Mac n’ Cheese)

Sunday:  Penni a la Vodka w/ garlic bread

This week, I had to endure something no man should ever endure: the sight of his family enjoying delicious meals before his eyes while I sit beside them with a cup of applesauce in front of me.  I swallowed my pride and took a painkiller as I left dinner table discouraged, in pain and disappointed to lengths I have rarely experienced before in my entire life.  I was hungry and I couldn’t do anything about it.

On Friday at approximately 10:30AM, I underwent oral surgery and had my wisdom teethremoved.  easily the worst decision of my life.  First of all, I couldn’t eat in the 12 hours prior to the surgery (it was actually about 15 hours, now that I reflect), and the surgery left my mouth in a degree of agony that disallowed myself to even consider chewing of any sorts.  I came home and hit the couch like a dead-weight, knowing what potential (or rather, lack of potential) my near future had in store.

My stomach was rumbling when I was awakenned for dinner.  My family was enjoying a nice three-course meal (whatever it was, I actually managed to block it out of my memory) while I sat hopelessly in front of a cup of applesauce.  I looked fear in the eye and persevered, enduring the small meal I was served and going to bed shortly after.

The next day, I no longer cared for the pain.  I didn’t care if my stitches were ripped out.  I was going to eat anything I felt like.  I woke up, had a banana, took a pain pill and continued to devour anything that was available and did not require chewing.  The injured gums were feeling it, but I didn’t care: hunger outweighed fear, and it was so worth it. 

Stomach 1 – Sanity 0.

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t get your wisdom teeth removed if you like eating food.  It will greatly inhibit your ability to do so.  Not that I have any more wisdom teeth to get pulled, but I highly discourage the whole process.  If you can avoid it, I definitely suggest following that route.  Any way, bye Day 3, I’m now consuming foods that simply require swallowing, like pastas and some breads and lots of cranberry juice.  I’ll get through this alive, hopefully.

December 1st - December 7th

Monday: Kielbasa w/ baked beans and egg noodles

Tuesday: Spaghetti and Meat Sauce

Wednesday: Pork chops w/ green beans and mac N’ cheese

Thursday: Chicken Parmesan w/ white rice and corn

Friday: Bye (Benvenuti’s Pizza)

Saturday: Turkey w/ corn, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce

Sunday: Tuckey Sandwiches w/ stuffing and cranberry sauce

If you’ve been paying attention over the past few weeks, you’d notice that this meal is the the household’s customary Monday cuisine.  More importantly, you can attack it anyway you’d like.  I like to devour the egg noodles in a quick-like fashion, mainly to make more room on my plate for dipping the remaining to features of the dish.  The noodles slide so easily down the throat that, while chewing is still recommended, it is unnecessary and a waste of time if you are in a hurry to encounter the rest of the meal.  Next, I go to the baked beans, and with a similar fashion.  Occasionally, if they are too hot, I’ll burn the top of mouth, but that does not take away anything from the succulent taste of the beans.  Savor them, but not too much, as you approach the grand finale.  Make sure you leave some of the baked bean sauce on your plate, as it’s time for the kielbasa, and it is the perfect concoction to use as dip.  Take each slice of the kielbasa and swipe it through the sauce and then chew vigorously in anticipation of the next piece already on the end of your fork.  The meal is gone in 3 minutes on a day after practice or one without lunch, and there are always a few leftovers that can be used as seconds.  This weekly dish is in high demand and always a success.

Monday: Kielbasa w/ baked beans and egg noodles

Tuesday: Bye (Football Dinner)

Wednesday: O-Noodles w/ meat sauce

Thursday: Thanksgiving (at Uncle Kevin’s)

Friday: Leftovers (all previous dishes)

Saturday: Bye (II Brothers’ Pizza and Mike’s Birthday Cake)

Sunday: Roast Beef w/ corn, mashed potatoes and biscuits

Every year I go to my Uncle Kevin’s for this feast of feasts.  He cooks two large turkeys himself, as well as multiple side dishes in preparation for the 4 o’clock dinner.  All my other relatives contribute as well, each bringing at least one dish, assorting from green bean casseroles to scrumptious apple pies.  The list of tasty delights goes on and on for the 40-50 guests that come every year to the Thanksgiving feast.  Surely, outside of food, there is football on TV, the inevitable dance contest (the reigning champ speaking) and the unstoppable Krissy who’s always on the prowl to destroy my evening.  It surely is an event like no other.

But with the anticipation of the holiday growing, so does my appetite.  Let me entail the portions of food I will be consuming on Turkey Day (be aware, these are estimates):

• Breakfast (undetermined)
• Light Lunch (probably like a PB&J or something of equivalent size)
• At least 1 lb. of turkey, combined between the original dinner and the turkey sandwiches’ free agent period.
• At least five rolls, most of which for said turkey sandwiches.
• Stuffing, and hopefully all of it.
• A large variety of vegetables that will give me and everyone else terrible flatulence issues.
• Enough cranberry sauce that the average man would vomit uncontrollably.
• Probably 12x the recommended dose of pie (if such thing exists).
• 5 or 6 large chocolate chip cookies.
• A small child (if Uncle Kevin agrees to put Krissy in the oven, but that remains unlikely; a boy can always dream…).

Each with its own characteristics that feeds the whole, or rather, the empty hole in my stomach.  The various textures and flavors that invigorate the taste buds drives will drive any hungry man wild.  I am extremely excited to experience the dream: the dream of a better future, the dream of delicious delicacies, the dream of a young man with an overwhelming appetite.

November 17th – November 23th

Monday: Kielbasa w/ baked beans and egg noodles

Tuesday: Meatloaf w/ mashed potatoes and green beans

Wednesday: Spaghetti and Meat-Sauce

Thursday: Chicken Parmesan w/ white rice and corn

Friday: Philly Cheese Steaks and Mac N’ Cheese

Saturday: Chicken w/ green beans, stuffing and biscuits

Sunday: Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

No home menu would be complete without the implementation of a good hearty meatloaf.  I mean, what’s cooler than a huge wad of meat cooked with ketchup on it?  Answer: tons of things, but they probably don’t taste as good as my mother’s meatloaf does.  You slice up the 2-3 lbs of ground beef blended together with ease as it is no thicker than the mash potatoes that lay happily beside it, both just waiting to be consumed.  Preferably, you should continue to drench it in ketchup, but if you don’t like that (you weirdo), every piece inserted will still melt in your mouth upon insertion.  The loaf is delicious, it is succulent, and it provides nourishment; it is the teat to the baby if my meal were to be compared to the diet of an infant, but let’s not go into that any further.  It may be the most mindless way to cook ground beef, but I will never tire of its magnificent splendor.  And along with the green beans and a hearty glass of whole milk, this three-course meal will satisfy anyone with a hunger for excellence.